It isn't exactly what you would think of when you try to visualize a Buddhist. Broad shoulders, white, worn jeans, goatee, hockey jersey or t-shirt working on back room servers and databases. I think many of us are like this, this feeling of being some unusual people walking in our society, quiet and calm, our ways and practice under the surface known to just a select few. On my desk, the only things that I have that would insinuate I am a Buddhist is a small golden Buddha statue and a Spongebob doll. Hey, don't knock Spongebob, he is wise indeed, happiness is his path!! :)
Mornings I wake up, and I many times feel like I don't want to go out in the world, I don't want to watch the mindless selfishness of others, and keep quiet and contained. I don't want to do many things I feel are just ignorant to be complacent in some humanly duty owned to those we interact with, feel dispassion for. I don't like waking up, I dislike the morning TV shows spewing mindless drivel, lies for truth, smiles to cover a real and obscene hate. I don't feel like getting up, and doing it again, all over again, each morning feels like such a task.
Then a memory of a nice lady, walking past my desk the day before, stops to mention how nice a person she thought I was, always seeming to be kind and considerate. It is this, that reminds me that I am the judgmental one, the one wanting others to be like me. I am the one that wants others to be kind and considerate to everyone. It is me that is selfish and filled with my own desires and conceptions. It is my dislikes and anger that become so apparent, and I feel humbled and a bit shamed. It renews me to get up, and keep going, and keep my effort focused.
Perhaps one morning soon, I can awaken without acting on my discontent and opinions, not seeing my emotions grab hold of these thoughts and aimlessly run wild. Just maybe, one day, I can watch the compassion and dispassion of all beings come and go, unattached, and feel kindness towards them all. Until then, I'll keep getting up and keep my effort up and keep going. I am nothing special. It is all other beings that are special, and I should act accordingly.
Christ, I can be so emo sometimes.
I share your sentiments. Sometimes I wished I could run away to a Buddhist monastery in the forest somewhere. I probably would if it weren't for my wife and wonderful daughter.
ReplyDeleteWith all the flurry of humanity around me, whether on the job, at the big box mart, or watching CNN, I am glad that I am able to retreat to zazen. The worn out cliche of zazen being my eye in the storm is true.
Hey, Kyle and the rest of the Progressive Buddhism gang:
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that I named your blog as a "Blog I Love" at my blog:
http://chaplaindanny.blogspot.com/2008/10/i-your-blog.html
Thank you very much! Very kind, indeed. :)
ReplyDelete