Shocking Increase in the Use of Illicit Buddhism

(Cross Posted on The Reformed Buddhist)

There is a new plague sweeping this nation, a silent epidemic ravaging our land, destroying our loved ones, our families and friends and tearing the fiber of our society wide open. It’s called Buddhism and it’s definitely real and it's definitely unrepentant and unforgiving. This scourge called Buddhism is known by many different street names such as Zen, Nichern, Theravada, Vajrayana, The Path, The Dharma or The Way and it has its roots in the deep dark and shady past of ancient India.

The man they call the Buddha first synthesized this terror around 500 BC and until recently it has been confined to a small portion of the population. But somehow, something went wrong. The word got out and buzz words and phrases enticing our loved ones in like ‘pain is inevitable, suffering is optional’, ‘we are what we think’ and worst of all ‘come and see for yourself’ have been heard cropping up all over this great land.

Buddhism is worse than meth, its worse than heroin and almost as bad as marijuana; and it must be stopped at all costs.

What can you do?

Here is a list of problems that could indicate that a loved one of yours could be using Buddhism without your knowledge. Be careful not to automatically assume, however, that Buddhism is the problem. You'll need to sort out with your loved ones exactly what the problem is and try to identify any Buddhist use, perhaps with the help of a family counselor or psychologist or a Fox News pundit. Keep in mind that even if there is no Buddhism use going on yet, there is always the possibility that a loved one could be drawn into the sick twisted world of loving kindness, contemplative meditation and self-reflection.

Personal changes that could indicate signs of Buddhist use in a loved one:

1. Increased awareness of surroundings
2. A propensity to sit in quiet introspection, sometimes for long periods of time
3. Behavior problems such as bowing, and repeating ‘red flag’ words like Thank You, Please and Metta
4. Losing interest in the past or future; Obsessive amount of time spent in the present moment
5. A sudden influence of a new crowd, tough street thugs known as Roshis, Lamas or Venerables
6. Personality changes – Gradual loss of fear, hostility and attachment to material items
7. 'Cushion Ass'
8. Loss of interest in activities such as materialism, racking up debt or shopping at The Gap
9. Increased forgetfulness of self
10. The bizarre tendoncy to start a personal Buddhist blog even though there are hundreds out there
11. An unhealthy attraction to squirrels, and a bitter loathing of Badgers
12. The freakish ability to hold in farts for hours 
13. Chronic Wedgies
14. The weird ability to come up with circular questions that have no answers (this should not be confused with politicians)
15. A disturbing trend towards becoming more ‘green’, eating less meat and discussing worldly issues
16. An increased frequency of referring to people as ‘sentient beings’
17. Increased feelings of hope, understanding, peace, acceptance and unconditional love
18. A disconcerting drive to be awake, which has been known to cause problems such as sleep issues, herpes or loose stools
19. Flat Butt
20. A total hatred of Huey Lewis and the News

Things to look for:

Meditation Dens – Also known as Med. Dens, Zendos, Sanghas or 'my bedroom floor'. Loved ones may spend large quantities of time either at home or at a common area spent practicing these deranged black arts and rituals of Buddhism. These sick Med Dens are sometimes adorned with scary Asian shit, like gongs, statues, NASCAR posters and yes, even Asian people.

**Do not attempt to approach a Buddhist on your own, they have been known to hug people, say pleasant things and smile at random.**

Look for Buddhist paraphernalia such as cushions with a well worn ass marks, small statues of some Indian fellow and a debilitating addiction to purchasing Buddhist books. Prayer beads, candles, prayer bowels (yes, I see now I misspelled bowls) and incense have also been known to be found in the 'Med Den's' of these sick depraved people. We can consider any of these items as a strong sign that Buddhist activity has been perpetrated recently.

Random Koan tests might be necessary to rule out the use of Zen. A popular koan test is to ask your loved one what the sound of one hand clapping is. If he or she answers with a smile and says some nonsense about hand and sound being no different, then there is a strong possibility your loved one has been affected by Zen. This is the worst of all the Buddhist strains.

If you do not act immediately, your loved one may be lost forever. He or she may be driven to even more hardcore afflictions such as Yoga, Vegetarianism, Empathy or even worse, realizing happiness. The true nature of one’s existence is nothing to screw around with folks. Be alert, be watchful and be afraid…be very afraid.