I sit down. But it's hard to pay attention because I'm holding a grudge. My heart is a block of ice. The world has refused to be what I thought I wanted. I'm not willing to forgive it. And so I'm freezing it out.
Every time I try to be mindful, my attention slips on the ice of this cardinal grudge and skids off into fantasy or memory.
To sit for minutes (or hours, or days) at a time, I have to forgive what is given for being what it is rather than what I thought I'd wanted. I have to forgive that white wall. Again and again and again, I must muster a spirit of pardon - a spirit of pardon that, in order to gain purchase, must also include absolution for my own block of ice.
Only a general amnesty can animate mindfulness.
Agree, grudges lock us up. I hadn't thought of "grudge" as an emotion until you just labeled it for me. Thank you.
ReplyDeletebeautifully said. your words painted such a wonderful image of such a dark thing, while your insight was vivid and honest. thank you for writing this
ReplyDeleteI find it so hard to figure out how long is too long to hold a grudge? The heart as ice analogy is very powerful, thank you.
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