Wednesday, 26 January 2011

The Grudge

I sit down. But it's hard to pay attention because I'm holding a grudge.

My heart is a block of ice. The world has refused to be what I thought I wanted. I'm not willing to forgive it. And so I'm freezing it out.

Every time I try to be mindful, my attention slips on the ice of this cardinal grudge and skids off into fantasy or memory.

To sit for minutes (or hours, or days) at a time, I have to forgive what is given for being what it is rather than what I thought I'd wanted. I have to forgive that white wall. Again and again and again, I must muster a spirit of pardon - a spirit of pardon that, in order to gain purchase, must also include absolution for my own block of ice.

Only a general amnesty can animate mindfulness.


  1. Agree, grudges lock us up. I hadn't thought of "grudge" as an emotion until you just labeled it for me. Thank you.

  2. beautifully said. your words painted such a wonderful image of such a dark thing, while your insight was vivid and honest. thank you for writing this

  3. I find it so hard to figure out how long is too long to hold a grudge? The heart as ice analogy is very powerful, thank you.